I’m Giving Up

Last week we were sent on a four day adventure. The purpose was to help deepen our faith and trust in God. We prayed about who should be on our teams and where we should go. I ended up on a team with Sarah, Casey, and April, three amazing women of God, and we were to travel to Florida. This is my journey and about how I gave up.

We left Monday morning and had some gas in our car, but were led to rely on God, our provider, to get us the rest of the way to Naples. As we reached ‘E’ on the gas gauge, we started seeking guidance from the Spirit. The ladies heard that we were to encounter a family. Sarah saw a slender father with a goatee. Then Casey saw the mother was blonde. We were supposed to buy their meal with money we were given to bless those we met along the way. 

We pulled into a Chik Fil-A parking lot, because it felt like a good place to start. As soon as we stepped out of our car a small SUV pulls up and out of it is a family of six. The mother is blonde and the father is a slender man with a goatee. We all just looked at each other and just smiled. I approached the father at the register and paid for their order. He was grateful, but the interaction did not lead to us getting fuel. I prayed and saw a race car. Across the street was a RaceWay gas station. We decided to head there.

As soon as we parked in front of the gas station, I felt nothing. It was like the Spirit stopped speaking. We sat praying and expecting something big to happen and to be blown away by an epic story of how God provided for us. After almost two hours of sitting in discomfort and not hearing God, I was very frustrated. The anxiousness and uneasiness we all felt got to me. I thought we were stuck here for the night. I then gave up. I told God I was done waiting on Him. Then Sarah said, “I think we need to just ask.” 

It hit me all at once. It wasn’t that the Spirit wasn’t speaking to us. It was that it didn’t need to. We had done what He asked us to and were where we needed to be. Our provision was there and we just had to ask for it. Casey walked up to a man and told him what we were doing and he pulled out a five. Casey and Sarah went into the station to pay April and I went to the pump. Within ten minutes, the woman at the register had filled our tank and given us free coffee. Ask and it will be given.

We made it to Casey’s grandparents’ house in Naples that night and got some rest. The next day we decided to go to the beach and watch the sunset. I did not like beaches I was not very excited. Before the trip, I had been given images of waves, birds, and a boardwalk. As we walked down the boardwalk to the beach and saw the thousands of birds on the edge of the water, I couldn’t help but laugh. Then I just stood at that point where water meets land and sky, and Daddy began to speak over me. 

As the waves crashed over my feet, it began to feel as if Jesus was washing my feet with each wave. He was cleaning some things off me, that were just hanging on. Then he spoke to me. I love metaphors, so that is what Daddy spoke to me in.

 

He began to speak this over me:

“This moment is just for you and I. It is about to get even better. You see the waves crashing to shore. Notice the shells. They are getting crushed and broken. This is what I have done in you over the past few months. I have broken and crushed the hard exterior shells you created to protect you from things that you should trust me to protect you from. I have crushed them into sand. Now you are soft and malleable. 

However, I am not finished yet. I want to take that sand and put fire to it. Over the next semester you will experience testing, struggles, and difficulties. It is all to remove the last of the impurities and melt you into something i can use. Then, after the semester, I will pour it out and mold it into something more beautiful than anything. A colorful glass sculpture.”

 

I was in awe. I had never heard something so detailed and specific to the time. I just stood staring at the sunset and the birds flying around me. I sat in the surf and began just laughing. i couldn’t help myself. I laughed like a kid at the beach for the first time. I gave up and gave in to this beautiful place where God shows Himself in three. Air, land, and Water.

 

 

 

After an amazing week of serving and loving on Casey’s grandparents. It was time to leave. We headed home. It was an uneventful drive, until God decided to have a conversation with me. I was driving at the time and he began to ask me some question. He brought some things to mind, and asked if I could give them up to him. I was not ready to do that. He asked why. Well, because I have been holding on to this for so long, and was afraid if I let it go, it would never happen. 

“Does it matter if it does or not?” he asked. “I want you to give it to me.”

I became very emotional. I started arguing with God. I was like a child, who thinks he knows what is best him. It was interesting He chose to speak to me while driving. It restricted the extent of my tantrum. I wanted to yell, cry, and plead for my way. However, He just wanted us to talk. I still tried to overpower him and get my way, but He was a gentle Father and listened to how i felt. He heard my anger. He wiped my tears. He consoled my feelings and let them happen. Then He politely asked if i was done and gave His side of the story. I felt His peace and love for me. 

It was and still is a difficult process, but I gave up. I gave up on selfishness. I gave up on expectations. I gave up on the grip I had on my future. I have given up on everything. But Him. Because He has never and will never give up on me.