This past week has been brutal. I have done more introspection than I imagined possible. Each day I went through some form of self discovery. Whether it be a lie I have believed for years or a concept that shapes every decision I make. Some were taught by my family from childhood. Others were learned from observing my environment. The worst though are the ones that come from misunderstanding what I am being taught, because of what I see in my environment.
Each revelation has put me deeper and deeper into a funk i cannot escape…on my own. It is an expected turn of events. I knew this season would be difficult and trying. But it is still hard to prepare.
This is just me sharing my revelations and what that means for me now. Some of you may relate, some may not. Just understand that life is in constant motion; moving from self discovery to healing to growth and back to self discovery. You are constantly revealing new layers of who you have thought you are and need to re-discover who you really are.
My parents taught me some great things. One of them was to avoid being in debt. They always taught me to be financially responsible and to maintain a budget. The problem came when I misinterpreted some of their teaching and let myself begin to believe some lies. I began to believe that it was not avoiding debt that was the priority, it was being self sufficient. This belief morphed into me thinking that I must do everything myself.
I began to lose faith in others abilities. If I couldn’t do it, no one was capable. This led to always saying yes to things(no boundaries). Over the last week, I have had projects that force me to rely on others to complete them. I struggled greatly. It is just another area of refinement.
Another revelation was my “root belief”. This is what you have come to believe and what drives most of your decision making. Generally it is what your walls of protection stem from. What area do you feel the most vulnerable and afraid to show others? Your root belief is connected to that.
Your root belief usually stems from some early childhood traumatic experience or events that repeat over the course of adolescence into young adulthood. Mine was the latter. I did not have a traumatic experience as a child, but patterns in my youth led to lies that i began to believe about myself.
In one of our classes, we were asked to search our hearts and listen for what lies you tell yourself. If you focus and listen long enough, the Lord will reveal those lies. He did just that. These were my lies:
I am ugly
I am disgusting
I am not good enough
I have nothing to offer
I hate people
Wow! That is exactly what I though after I read that. Hw could I believe these things about myself? But it was true, all of it. I sat there reading through these, then I noticed a common thread that ran through all of them. Each of them stemmed from one place.
I AM NOT WORTHY OF BEING LOVED
Yeah. I know. Unbelievable. I understand that there are people who love me. I understand what the Bible says about me as a child of God. The problem is whether I believe I am worthy of any of it. This belief has made me make so many unhealthy decisions to protect myself. Because I felt I was not worthy of love, I did not expect it. I believed they could be my friends and have fun, but never truly love me. It led to me having difficulty loving others, because I believed i would never receive it back. It has ruined friendships, relationships, and how i view myself.
This has wrecked me. This discovery came out of left field. I am seeking more help and understanding from this awesome community I am in. There will be extensive time spent in prayer and the Word. As well as in counseling and mentoring.
I am in a time of discovering what is in me that needs to be refined and what needs to be strengthened. I am far from where I want to be, but I am continuing to discover more and more each day of who I am.
