Coming to the end of this last semester in Gainesville, Georgia was difficult enough, with most of my roommates moving out and saying goodbye to almost all of my fellow students. I may not have appeared to get emotional (still working on that), but it was not easy. It only got harder on the last day.
The morning everyone started their journeys home, I had to get up at 6:00AM. If you know me, you know that that is a Herculean task. I AM NOT a morning person. I drove my roommate, Hunter, to Starbucks. We got coffee, laughed and talked for a few minutes. Then his ride to the airport arrived and he left for home.
Now it is 7:00AM. I get home to a house that is quiet. Everyone else is sleeping. I have not experienced this all semester. What do I do? I looked out the window and saw that the sun was about to rise over the lake. I walked out to the peninsula behind our house and started talking to Daddy. I praised Him and thanked Him for the friends, teachers, and mentors He placed in my life. I thanked Him for my experience and what I have learned this semester. I then began praying blessings over everyone i could think of. It was such a great time with my Father.
Then came the moment I needed to pray for myself. I had made some deep discoveries over the past few weeks and was walking in freedom from some fears in my life. Part of that was having some crazy vulnerable conversations with some people. I was going to have another one today. I had overcome fear of hurt, fear of failure, and fear of rejection. I had been rejected so many times. In relationships, in business, and in friendships. I was no rookie in the realm of rejection. But as I prayed over myself and spoke into the emotions I was feeling about the days events to come, Daddy revealed something to me.
I had overcome fear of rejection, but it had morphed and mutated into something far more damaging and painful. I was afraid of not being wanted. I could handle rejection, hurt, and failure. I was tired of not being wanted. Wanted as a friend, wanted as wise counsel, wanted as a man. I began to weep.
I begged for relief. I did not want to hurt like this. I asked to never hear ‘no’ again. I was breaking inside and needed to be loved and accepted by someone… anyone. This was a dangerous path, that could have led me to a dark place, but thankfully I was in my Fathers presence. He began to wrap me in His love. It warmed me in the cool morning. He began to speak.
“My son, I Love you. I want you in my presence. I rejoice in you. I see you as a rare and unique creation. There is no other like you. You offer something no one else can. I feel your hurt and I feel your anger. Remember, I have plans for you. I have told you they are good and prosperous. Continue to seek me. Others will love and accept you because of the closeness you have to me.”
The tears washed away and I dried my eyes. I continued to thank Him for speaking over me and I worshiped Him as he did so. Then the sun began to rise. The light poured over me and through the trees. The warm glow started heating me from the inside out. I knew the day was going to be a pretty awesome day.
I’d like to say that everything turned out exactly as I wanted it to. Nope, but it did turn out exactly how my Daddy planned it. I did not hear ‘no’. I felt wanted and accepted. It was an encouraging day and a day i will not soon forget. I will not give up. And I will continue to press into my Father’s embrace. He knows what I want and what is best for me. The path He has me on is one that will grow me as a man and help me be an image worthy of the Father.
