I cannot sleep.I have been home for four days now and want nothing more to get back to CGA and that community. I wish I could enjoy it here, at home, with family, as much as I enjoy it there. However, I have changed, I don’t fit here anymore.
As I sit outside on the back porch and watch the lightning flash across the clouds of a storm rolling by in the distance, I wonder why I have done all of this. I have given up so much. I left my old friends behind. I left my family behind. I left my entire life behind. Now I have move forward and re-create all I once already possessed.
Would it be so bad to get another job, once again have my own place, my own bathroom, and a car. To have somewhere to go to be in solitude and be by myself. Can’t I just go back to when things were simple. Sleep….eat…work…repeat. I knew what each day held. There was less pain, less struggle, less breaking, and less…just less.
But that is just it. Less, it was all just less. It was less fulfilling. It was less spontaneous. It was less joyous. It was all just less fun. I don’t want less, I want more. I want more community, because they push me to be a better man. I want more brokenness, because God uses that to fix others. I want more experiences, because experiences. I want to experience more of the Spirit. I want to experience more of others waling into freedom. I want to experience so much more. I want more of everything so I can give more of it away.
I want to be able to give what I have received, in abundance, to those in need. I desire to give freedom, because I am free. I want to give grace, because I have been extended so much. I want to give healing, because I have been healed. I want to give love, because i have been loved and I am loved.
Every day is a struggle between old and new. The struggle to cast off my old self and walk in the new. However, it is a struggle worth fighting through. Because, once you walk in newness of life with Jesus Christ, share His love with others, and begin to walk as He does, then others will follow.
Is anyone following me yet? Is anyone following you?
More…More…More Lord!!
